"Masking" Is Not A Crime 🎭

I was 20 years old when I decided to really start working on my “mask”, and that work ended up being one of the most important things I’ve ever done.

For those not familiar, “masking” (basically) means making an effort to present as “normal” despite one’s autistic tendencies - often for social reasons.

Some of my fellow autists object to this idea of trying to pass as normal on principle - “Why should I have to change to please others?” - and boy, do they love to tell me as much in the replies to my videos.

The funniest part to me about the objections they sling? I’ve made the same arguments - from the same side! But eventually, I saw just how hollow they rang.

In this post, I’ll share a personal story from my second go at community college - mostly about the attempts I’ve made to become better at masking my autism, & how they’ve played out for me.

Then, we’ll look into the arguments I used to convince myself that I needed to let go of my “authentic” autistic self (sometimes), and how that decision set me on the path to a happier, healthier, more balanced social life. You ready? Let’s dive in.

I was nineteen or twenty years old when my dad took a big bet on my growth and helped me move to the Santa Barbara, CA for my second attempt at community college. When I first moved in, I was excited beyond belief!

This was my chance to reinvent myself! I got a new haircut, changed my name (I told people to call me “Blue” for a solid year and a half - what was that all about?), you get the picture… I was going the whole nine yards to change.

It quickly became clear that Isla Vista (the college neighborhood I was living in) was heaven on earth for college students… except for me. I was miserable.

Why was I so glum? Well, the students of UC Santa Barbara & nearby Santa Barbara City College knew how to party, and me? Well… I didn’t!

I’d only recently started learning how to socialize with “normies”  after spending my last two years of high school living amongst 20-ish of my autistic bros in residential treatment… So going to a school filled with popular people was a leap into the deep end - sink or swim. Unfortunately, I was drowning.

After a solid start + making a few (real) friends in the first month, I made some serious blunders (brandishing a knife as a joke was the big one … what was I thinking?!?) that found me where I had spent most of the last 10 years… Once again, an outcast.

Something had to change. I needed to either shape up or ship out - and I had already bombed out of so many social environments by that point of my life... I was desperate not to give up on this one right away. So? I got to work.

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